WARNING: An open-ended fragment.
Disclaimer: Work of fiction. I own only the story and the plot.
He knows the crowd outside is buzzing in search of him. He hears faint voices of crews calling his name repeatedly. Because at times like this, he should’ve participating with all those people out there to celebrate the successful concert in the stadium’s ballroom. Their SS4 concerts in Japan, mostly Tokyo Dome, are well received and it’s a big thing for his group and all the crews and staffs.
But he’s not going to celebrate. At least, not at the moment, when he’s not on his right mind. And his heart is not on the right place as well.
Hiding in the furthest corner of the backstage where there’s no single light and human being, all alone in the darkness is not exceptionally wise, but that’s the only thing that his current state could manage.
From outside, people barely thinks of Choi Siwon as someone who will keep any pent up anger, nor any kind of affections and emotions in his mind. Many people accuse him of being heartless, and it’s hidden well behind his facade of beautiful dimpled smiles and polite body gestures. Amazing outer appearance is a mere vassal for an empty heart and an empty soul.
He rarely gets attached to people, although he seems so. Fans call him “hyung-whore” but actually those people are mere passerbys in his life. All those warm, passionate conversations and hangouts are simply forgotten as soon as it ends. Choi Siwon never takes anything, or anyone, seriously.
Then those people close to him are never aware of the little things he is actually caring about, one or two special persons that actually he really dears in his deepest core of heart, or anything that’s really concerning him. Because he never actually opens up to anyone, since he only interacts with other people to fill the void that is inside him, that even his faith to God could yet fill it. That is why Choi Siwon looks really care: because the emptiness is serious.
He squats down since his knees are totally boneless of tiredness. Damn concert, Siwon curses in his mind, since he has to run here and there to reach each corner of the Dome’s stage. He rests his tired head and back behind a tall pile of cardboard behind the stage, God knows why there are cardboards there in the first place, but he’s grateful that the pile’s there, hiding him from sight and supports his exhausted body.
“Choi Siwon, are you okay?”
A hoarse voice reached his ears.
For a moment Siwon can’t believe it. What is Yesung doing here? And how could that man find him there?
He chooses not to answer. Without him answering, Yesung must’ve understand, right?
Because he is here because of Yesung.
“Why in the world are you here?”
Replies Siwon coldly to the man who stays on the other side of the pile of cardboards.
“I followed you.”
“And what makes you think you have the right to?”
Yesung pauses. Siwon can hear that the older man is also resting himself to the cardboards on the other side.
“You are my dongsaeng. I’m your.... Hyung.”
Finally comes the reply.
Siwon fists his hands. He doesn’t need this crap does he?
“I worry about you.” Yesung starts. “A lot.”
“And what makes you think i want to know about it?”
Yesung pauses again. Siwon swallows his saliva and fisting his both palms even tighter. God, why it is so hard to breath right now?
“Nothing. Nothing, really,” Yesung answers.
Siwon hopes he’s mishearding the noises of Yesung’s heavy breaths.
‘Please don’t cry.’
Siwon can only scream it inside his mind.
Too bad he knows his hyung too well. He is sure that those beautiful, cat-like eyes are pouring warm tears already in silence.
“I want you to stop acting like you’re going to kiss me on stage,” the man on the other side says weakly.
“I do that to ALL other members and they’re not complaining.”
It is a lie, both of the man know it.
“I.... Don’t care. Just stop already.”
“God’s sake, don’t take anything i do too seriously.”
Siwon manages to sound as unaffected as possible, thanks to the darkness. So that he can’t see that face while talking.
“Then you tell me why you’re always seems to be mad at me after that effort to kiss me on stage?”
That is a deep jab. Siwon stuns for how long, he doesn’t really want to know. This time, he can’t manage to answer.
“What did i do wrong on stage, huh? I never ask you to try and kiss me anyway....” Yesung continues. “You’re doing that fanservice on your own, without coordinating with me first, and you dare blame me. You could have stop at a hug.”
“What if i say i never get mad at you on stage?”
“I know you more than you think i do,” Yesung answers simply.
Yet leaves Siwon with no way to counter.
“Well, you think so highly of yourself, then. There’s nothing for you to worry about,” Siwon creates a lie that actually hurt himself more than he sure to hurt Yesung. “Fanservice it is.”
“Although you know it so well that i really want to kiss you back?” Yesung’s voice icy. “What a gentleman you are.”
“Cut it out.”
They are silent for some moment before Yesung starts to break. Silent sobs echoed from the other side of the cardboard.
“Don’t cry.... Yesung. Just.... Go. Leave me alone.”
“I.... worry about you,” Yesung manages to answer in between sobs. “I really do. I won’t leave before you do.”
Siwon closes his both eyes and massages his nape. Guilt starts to creep it’s way into his mind. Killing him inside with unconditional pain. Pain that he deserves.
But Yesung doesn’t deserve this.
Started with meaningless sex from time to time, both Yesung and Siwon lost control. Sex became passionated, countless amount of make loves. Yesung starts to linger around. Communication intensified. It simple called as ‘feelings involved”.
It was a rainy Wednesday evening when Siwon and Yesung enjoyed their bursting lusts and (what used to be) hidden feelings. Lip devoured lip, and genitals later involved, into the brims of extacy. As usual, Yesung’s total submisiveness beneath his naked body wildened Siwon’s primal instinct and just like that, the word “I love you” spurred out of his mouth as he fills Yesung up with his cement.
Siwon almost killed himself in an instant for saying it out of the blue, but it’s not like he was never thinking about it before. A moment later, Yesung’s flushed face turned more beautiful than ever in his eyes when the older man smiled shyly saying a soft “I love you too”. Siwon was still buried deep inside Yesung and the man beneath him pulled him down for a sweet kiss.
Siwon could never deny that it was one of the most beautiful moments in his entire life. That smile of the older man was the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen either. But that’s not right.
Sex between men should never involve feelings. Nor any kind of emotions and affections.
Sex between men should only mean to release stress. It’s fun having another hard and tough body shudders beneath you, being totally submissive to you. You totally control them. Dominating them. The more powerful male among two.
It’s only women whom you can submit your deepest affections to. Sex with women mean affection, love, commitment and promise. Only women, supposedly.
After Stella went away several years ago, Siwon had never touch a woman. It’s not that hard since he prefers men as always. He is sure that having sex with women without commitment is a breaching of ‘contract’.
But with Yesung it’s different. He never know why.
Maybe it’s because of the overall softness of body? Compared to all other men Siwon used to choose to have sex with, Yesung’s petite body is the least tough. Skin softer than most women? Or the total, unconditional submisiveness?
Poor Siwon had yet get it.
He has changed into a creature he’d used to despise so much. Too much.
Before, Siwon was always thinking that human is a sexual being. Always responds to sensual ministrations unconditionally. No matter what gender, or even species. That’s why, he believed, there are sick psycho people who enjoy sex with animals. As long as it’s sex, a fusion of two (or more) genitals, human will be pleasured and content. Any kind of sexual intercourse is acceptable and sufficient.
But now he knows fully that he’s wrong all the time.
Since that ‘confession’ incident, Siwon just realized that he had never slept with anyone else except Yesung for almost a whole year. Yesung was enough. He was always there to fulfill his needs, and he was sufficient for Siwon that time. It’s not like there’s some chemistry between them anyway, Siwon insisted.
Fear lead him to find other petite, pretty boy from a new-debuted boyband. Siwon wanted to know that what he had with Yesung was merely sexual (like what he hoped all the time). But Baekhyun is not the same, afterall. Sex with that boy didn’t satisfy him as it was with Yesung. Siwon didn’t want to linger around with Baekhyun after the boy fell asleep, exhausted. He didn’t want to keep on caressing the boy’s soft hair, nor watching him sleep murmuring soft words of lullaby just like he usually did to Yesung. The kiss was not the same. Somehow it’s tiring for Siwon to do foreplay for the boy. And of course Baekhyun didn’t snuggle perfectly into his arms like Yesung did.
Siwon was driven crazy, almost enough to end his own life.
But then Yesung came back to his life, persistent man he is. His nurturing care, pure heart and (God forbid) LOVE kept Siwon where he was until now. Well, until most recently.
It’s not an official “break up”, since Yesung and Siwon were never an item before. Harsh words followed another harsh word, hurting the two men in love like nothing else before. It ended with Siwon went drunk for a few days, abandoning schedules, and Yesung was hospitalized because of anemia and thypus.
Personal relationship maybe damaged beyond repair, but they are professional. Well at least until Siwon got easily fumed with Yesung’s fanservices on stage. Siwon blamed himself for not being able to control his fury up to the moment when he tried, many times, to force Yesung into kisses.
It angered him beyond believe seeing Yesung smiles for his fangirls on stage. Yesung should’ve never show that ‘submissive’ side of him to people other than Siwon. Yesung’s aegyos on stage disgust Siwon to no end. He always want to slap that face of the older man to make him realize it.
But on the other side, his primal instinct couldn’t resist those ‘submisiveness’ which used to be presented to him, and him only. Back then, Yesung will do aegyos whenever he wanted the younger to devour his lips, which Siwon complied heartfully. But now Yesung acts cute, like it was his normal self, all the time.
Only Siwon knows that it’s not. Siwon can proudly say that Yesung is an anti of aegyo.
What could Siwon say when Yesung threw a jab at his opened wound?
Let it be only Siwon’s deepest secret, that he always forced his way but then get mad about it because he still thinks that Yesung is his. That he still has a right over the man.
Yesung calls him again weakly, voice engulfed in fear of Siwon’s silence. Time has passed by since the last sentences they both exchanged. Snapped Siwon away from his reverie.
“Stop bothering me, would you?”
They both go silent again, but Yesung’s still fighting his sobs.
Silently Siwon uses his cell phone to text some one. Thankfully, Yesung apparently doesn’t realize what he’s doing. Perhaps the older man is blinded by his own tears and sorrow.
Siwon just put his phone back to the pocket when Yesung suddenly asks, “Will you really be alright?”
“Compared to i’m being alone without you, you without me worrying me more.”
Siwon is not sure of how to answer this one, either.
“The Siwon i know, is not a happy person. You’re not close to anyone personally. You never open up to anyone. Every laugh and smile are only a facade.”
“What nonsense are you sprouting now?”
“I still remember one day you said to me that i’m the only one whom you can really talk to, share about anything, your life, your real self. That i’m the only one who understands you unconditionally. You said that all other people always have any special intentions in getting close to you, but not me. You said only my weird knacks make you this—that happy, once.”
Siwon has to punch his own chest repeatedly to clear his breathing.
“You are a very lonely person.... My dong-dongsaeng. Yo-you keeps on finding jobs and friends to a-avoid being alone... You hardly trust pe-people, even your own famil-ly.” Yesung’s voice shakes and trembled.
A single tear betrays Siwon fully now.
“Stop it, Yesung.”
“That is why i’m so-so worried about you... I keep asking myself, what is... Siwon doing right now? Does he... have anyone he can talk to? Is he... drinking? Re-reading Paulo Cuelho’s novels? Listening to Eng-lish bal-lads? Just not to get lone-ly?”
“I said stop it!” Siwon screams.
“Will you be alright? Even when i’m not by your side? Aren’t you going to fall apart?”
Siwon stands up abruptly and kicks something God only knows in the darkness that it even surprises himself.
“How can i let you go, Si-wonie?”
A loud voice from outside (the stage) is heard.
“In here, Hae-ah!” Siwon shouts back as loud as he can.
“Where? I’m entering through E main door!”
Yesung is surprised by Donghae’s sudden appearance that he can’t say anything to Siwon. He knows it instantly that it’s Siwon who called his favorite dongsaeng there to get rid of him. So that was the text for.
“Backstage, C-3 door!”
Once Donghae’s shout ends, Siwon approaches the sobbing Yesung quietly.
“I told him you’re sick and you need to go back to the hotel as soon as possible. But i can no longer accompany you since i have a schedule right away.”
Although Yesung closes both of his ears in bitterness, he can still hear what Siwon says.
“Yesung hyung! What the hell are you two doing here, actually?” A panting Donghae comes, sounds a little annoyed but also concerned. A ray of light now illuminates the room a little bit since he keeps the curtain opened.
“We were just resting here, before Yesung hyung suddenly felt ill.”
“It must be your diet again, hyung,” Donghae rolls his eyes. “Now you’ll be my burden! Come on,” he pulls Yesung up carefully.
Yesung can only comply, without saying anything. He’s being treated like an ill person by Donghae though he’s completely healthy but he pays no attention to it. Actually his heart hurts so much anyway.
“I’m so sorry, Hae, and hyung, i gotta go. This photographer is really a maniac, he’s been calling me since ten minutes ago,” Siwon apologizes.
“It’s alright, Siwon-ah, Hyukkie is on the way here to help me bring Yesung hyung to the car,” answers Donghae.
Yesung doesn’t say anything.
“Yesung hyung,” Siwon calls. “Will you be alright? Even if i’m not with you?”
Siwon’s question torns Yesung’s heart into pieces.
“You know... i won’t.”
“I’m sorry i can’t be with you,” Siwon says again, staring deeply into Yesung’s eyes, then left.
“Why’s Siwon so weird? Doesn’t he trust me to take care of you hyung?” Donghae asks Yesung, confused.
A/N: Inspired HUGELY by B2ST with their song Will You Be Alright. Credit for some dialogs goes to them. Really in love with this song, have been playing this only song for some days already and not yet bored.
A/N: Written in the dawn for about 4 hours. Perhaps this story is crazy and poorly written. Because i just watch YeWon's interaction on SS4 DVD snd listening to the song too much i just HAD to write something about my couple.